Written by Dr. Gyöngyi Papp, psychotherapist
Introduction: The Problem with a Normalized, Distorted Value System
In today’s society, many people think that a woman’s primary role in a relationship is to satisfy the man sexually. Oral sex, for example, is often treated as a basic expectation, as if making the man happy is the woman’s duty. This way of thinking is unfortunately normalized, but fundamentally wrong.
The root problem goes deeper: men often seek maternal love through sexual intimacy, while women look for paternal love from their partners. When relationships are built on these unconscious patterns, they rarely lead to true happiness and often generate trauma.
Life Itself Should Be the Source of Joy
A healthy relationship does not revolve around “extra favors” or constant performance. True happiness comes from living life in a way that makes every day meaningful and joyful. Relationships flourish naturally when both partners find life itself to be a source of pleasure, rather than depending solely on sex or meeting external expectations.
As the cliché goes: “Happiness is found in the little moments, not just the big ones.” This timeless truth reminds us that joy should permeate all aspects of life, not just our romantic interactions.
Sex and Oral Sex: Distorted Searches for Love
Sexual acts are often misunderstood. Societal norms normalize the idea that a man’s happiness depends on a woman’s “service.” In reality, sex and oral sex often function as:
- Men seeking maternal love – a desire for care, nurture, and acceptance that echoes childhood needs.
- Women seeking paternal love – a longing for protection, validation, and support that may reflect unmet childhood expectations.
When these patterns dominate a relationship, intimacy becomes a form of transactional expectation rather than genuine connection. It’s important to remember that orgasm itself is the moment when the human brain feels, however briefly, that it has shed all responsibility. This natural biological release is often misunderstood as a measure of relational success, when in fact it is just a fleeting psychological state.
Who Counts as an Adult?
Many equate adulthood with age, but true maturity is measured by life experience and responsibility. A practical rule of thumb: the number of years someone has worked equals the number of years of adulthood they possess.
- Someone who has worked two years = a two-year adult
- Someone who has worked five years = a five-year adult
Early romantic relationships with individuals who lack life experience often result in trauma rather than growth, because the partners do not yet know how to communicate effectively, manage emotions, or understand each other’s needs.
The Trap of Teen and “Young Adult” Relationships
Young people often enter relationships without emotional maturity. The consequences are predictable:
- Relationships are built on misunderstandings and distorted expectations.
- Even if everything seems “normal,” trauma often results.
- Sexual intimacy becomes an obligation or performance, rather than mutual enjoyment or a genuine expression of love.
As another cliché reminds us: “Patience is measured not by the passing of time, but by the accumulation of experience.” Waiting until emotional and experiential maturity ensures that relationships are healthier and more fulfilling.
The Foundations of a Truly Mature Relationship
A healthy and happy relationship is not based on sexual performance or “extra favors.” Instead, it rests on:
- Life experience and self-awareness – knowing oneself and understanding one’s needs.
- Mutual respect – no one is subordinate, and no one exists merely to serve the other.
- Finding joy in everyday life – life itself, not just sex or the relationship, is the source of happiness.
- Empathy and attention – truly listening, supporting, and valuing the partner over performance.
- Emotional intimacy – deep conversations, shared experiences, and facing challenges together build real connection.
- Understanding the role of orgasm – recognizing it as a fleeting moment when the brain feels it has temporarily shed all responsibility, not as a measure of relational value.
Conclusion: Rewrite the Norms
The social expectation that a man’s happiness depends on a woman’s sexual “service” is wrong and unhealthy. True joy and reciprocity stem from maturity, life experience, self-awareness, and mutual respect.
Sex and oral sex are often distorted expressions of searching for maternal or paternal love, which society has unfortunately normalized. Real happiness comes from living life as a source of joy, not from fulfilling performance-based roles or societal expectations.
As the cliché wisely says: “Happiness doesn’t come from pleasing someone else—it comes from how you live your own life.”